Trying to Break It Down.

Trying to make sense of this despair by breaking it into components is, perhaps, a bit less painful than just sitting here swimming in it. Is my reaction to this breakup out of proportion? Nothing in my life – and I’ve been through some shit – has had me crying uncontrollably for a week. I’m frightened of the anguish I’m feeling now. Maybe if the rest of my life had some order, I’d feel like there was a way to recover.

I am almost 50 years old, I can’t support myself, and I am alone. I live in a room in someone else’s house. I don’t have any routine to go back to. All I have to return to is the howling anxiety of everything else in my life that hasn’t made sense for years. Any semblance of order I had before I met M is gone now for having been neglected. I have no home to hide in while I heal. I have no job to throw myself into to keep my mind occupied. My work is some consolation. I’ve done a little shooting and writing for my high school diary film, but it’s hard to stay focused. My ideas, and my confidence in them, are fragile -- because the work is new, because I haven't had success with anything I've done in the last 5 years, because I'm unsure even of what medium I should be working in -- not strong enough to withstand the waves of sadness that hit me over and over.

M was a bright island in this sea of anxiety about aging, poverty, and failure. Being with him, I could at least feel that someone found me attractive. Maybe somewhere deep down I knew I was hanging everything on that, but I didn’t have anything else to hang anything on at the moment. For him to lose interest in me confirms all my worst fears: I really am dull, unskilled, not as smart as I think I am, not talented enough to be successful, and, if that’s not bad enough, unattractive, too.

So, to recap: 1. old, 2. stupid, 3. untalented, 4. a failure, 5. unlovable, once you get to know me, and 6. super-pathetic and extra annoying and unattractive because I’m so goddamned insecure.

Fuck my life.

Friday Night.

I got very stoned with J and watched Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion. That was good medicine. There were a couple times I sobbed perhaps a little more than was appropriate, but it felt good for my crying to be, for a time, abstract. And I laughed hard, a lot. I hadn't seen it before.

Strangely, writing about this helps alleviate the pain, at least while I'm focused on writing and don't let my mind wander too far. Even though I'm sitting here examining and analyzing it, it's a relief to be doing something I feel like I have control over. And my thoughts come into focus when I write.

I wrote a a long letter to M and dropped it at his house this afternoon, along with his house key and a few gifts he'd given me. I felt a little ridiculous giving him back his stuff, so dramatic, but for some reason it felt necessary. It hurts too much to have that stuff around. I have so much to say to him. He's the one that I've shared my thoughts with lately -- I can't stop framing my thoughts as if he were my audience. I made a big effort to keep the letter sane, to express myself simply and to ask straightforward questions. I'm trying hard to understand what happened.

J had plans tonight but postponed them and took me to P Terry's for dinner. I've been living on smoothies, beer, chips, and tacos from El Chilito for a week. I feel like I've forgotten how to cook.

The Last Week.

The battery in my phone died Monday, so, with 8 days left on the warranty, I took it to the Apple Store, which is at The Domain (for the record, the most depressing place on the whole fucking planet – it’s a mall where people live in apartments above the stores), and they gave me a new phone. I thought I had backed up my phone in the last day or two but it turned out that the last backup was June 6. So 9 days of text messages (the only record I have of communication with M during that time) is gone. Is it a small kindness or a cruel joke that in the last few messages I have on my phone, everything was fine, that there’s no record of when everything turned bad?

Less than two weeks ago, he was calling me “sweetie” in his text messages. Then, in a matter of days, everything changed, and he doesn’t want “to be boyfriends, like we were” anymore. “Like we were.” 10 days ago.

I’m too sensitive. That’s what people, adults – my parents, teachers – said when I was a kid: he’s too sensitive. I was easily embarrassed, hurt, I cried a lot. I’d like to be a little, a lot, less sensitive right now because this hurts like a holy motherfucker. Why am I taking this so hard? I think I was fine 7, 8 months ago, before I met M. Fine. Well, all the money/job/career stuff was fucked up then too, but I had no desire for love and romance, didn’t want any part of it, didn’t need it, didn’t miss it. So why am I falling apart now? Why is it that I feel like I literally cannot bear losing him? I feel hopeless. I can’t stop crying. I’m too sensitive.

J and I used to watch a show years ago, one of the very early Discovery Channel reality shows, I think it was called Operation TV. It came on when we were having dinner. One memorable episode followed a woman, who had a particular type of epilepsy, through a surgical procedure which they hoped would cure her. Her seizures did not consist of falling on the ground and foaming at the mouth; she would just start repeating the words, “I know really I know really I know I know really I know I know really I know,” over and over. The surgery consisted of removing a piece of her skull to expose her brain, then prodding around in the brain tissue to find the lesion that was causing the seizures. She had to be awake during the surgery so they could tell when a seizure was triggered. The surgeon poked at various spots in her brain until she started saying, “I know really I know,” etc., and then he just cut that section out. She was cured. So I’m wondering if it’s possible to locate the section of my brain that falls in love and cut it out. I want to be cured. I don’t want to live in fear of this happening again.

I don’t want to go back to porn and drunken blowjobs in the car at 2 a.m. To STD clinics and telling everyone who asks that I don’t have a boyfriend because I have no use for love and don’t believe in it. I do believe in it. I just don’t have it in me to bear the sadness. Not again. I try to remind myself that there’s beauty in sadness – you’re an artist, write a song about it – but I don’t really believe that anymore. I think it was only something I used to tell myself so I could get through it.

I Made a List.

It's true, making a list is a good way to see a problem clearly.

A friend told me that I should make a list of all the things I am looking for in a job. I can't remember now what she said I should do with this list -- I have trouble with multi-step processes. Making the list was edifying, but also depressing, because I see now why it's so hard to get a job:

1. Part-time (20-30 hours/week, so I have time and energy for the other things I do)
2. Flexible hours (because things come up that I need to be available for)
3. Time off when I need it (for instance, 2 weeks off in October if my show gets into the musical theater festival in New York we applied for)
4. No dress code (because I don't want to buy a bunch of stupid clothes, and because it's hot as hell half the year)
5. Right livelihood (I won't work for anyone whose products or business practices are harmful -- there's a lot of leeway here, but there are certain things I won't be a part of)
6. Preferably something in the arts or non-profit or queer realm, because the people are more interesting.
7. I have to make enough to live on. I have a simple life, low living expenses, but I have student loans and credit card debts. So, for instance, I could work at a book store or coffee shop full-time and still not make enough to meet my expenses (which is a sign of how fucked up the world is, but that's what I've got to work with).

1, 2, 3, and 5 (and 7?) are pretty much non-negotiable. I fret about 2 and 3, because I know nobody is going to hire me if I say that I might need to take time off here and there for my work. People tell me, "Just don't tell them that. Work it out when it comes up." It's not that I'm so morally pure, but that kind of deceit is just ... stressful for me. It's a headache.

My friend's advice was basically that it's easier to find a job if you know exactly what you want. What I want is not to have to find a job. What I want is to get on with my life. A job is an obstacle, a distraction, a pain in the ass.

Jane Olivor.

I just watched a movie called Saturday Night at the Baths. It was made in 1975. The central character is a straight man who takes a gig playing piano at the Continental Baths in New York. The story revolves around this guy, his girlfriend, and the manager of the bathhouse, with whom this couple become involved. There was some awful acting, some scary dialogue dubbing, and jarring music edits (which I think might be a preservation issue) but the script and editing were good, very tight and clear, and the actors who play the two main characters give really wonderful, natural and affecting performances. It was a much more complex, interesting film than I expected.

1975! It looked like my New York. I didn't move to New York until 1981, but I don't think the appearance of the city changed much in the 70s except to get dirtier and more run-down.

An extended section of the film is the actual floor show at the Baths, with wild modern dancing by boys in tighty-whiteys, a gorgeous performance by Jane Olivor (the cabaret singer who shot to stardom in the late 70s and then disappeared), drag queens impersonating Diana Ross, Carmen Miranda, and of course the immortal Miss Garland.

My grandmother turned me on to Jane Oliver when I was 15. Did the whole world know I was gay before I did? I love this so much.



Working on this high school diary project has me listening to and thinking about music I loved at that age. Steely Dan, Moody Blues, ELO, Led Zepellin, Joan Baez, Judy Garland.

I had these records on vinyl, and I sold all my vinyl on the street for $1 an album in front of J's and my 10th St. apartment when we moved to Nashville in 1998. I just downloaded Jane Olivor's version of Don McLean's "Vincent." It has as much power tonight as it did back then to tear my heart out like only a 15-year-old gay boy's heart can be torn out.

Come Back Like Water.

I started a Tumblr blog today for sharing random images I come across.

Sprung.

I guess I left everyone hanging. Sorry about that! I caught a nasty cold Monday, and, strangely, M got sick too around the same time though he had something different (very sore throat and fever), so instead of that steak dinner I made a big pot of chicken soup and we've been convalescing together. We finished the last season of Mad Men, and watched a movie last night.

My food stamps kicked in while I was in the study -- it's actually now called SNAP, for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, because it's not stamps any more, it's a debit card. I used the card to buy the stuff for chicken soup at Wheatsville, our local food co-op, which I've always loved but love even more now since it expanded and has more stuff. I think I've mostly gotten over the unexpected shame I felt about public assistance, but still, as I was shopping I had an internal monologue running about what I was buying. It was mostly about whether I deserve organic chicken which costs 3 or 4 times as much as factory chicken. I think, even though I spend more on produce and meat than the average shopper, I think I must still spend less overall because I make everything from scratch. With that $18 chicken, a few carrots and onions, some celery, and a bag of egg noodles, I made a pot of soup that has lasted for several meals and there's enough chicken left for chicken salad. I'm guessing most people would have bought cans of chicken noodle soup, which can get expensive when they add up.

When I was checking out, I swiped the card like a debit card -- they say "Use it like a debit card" -- and it didn't work. The cashier asked me what kind of card it was, and (I guess I haven't totally gotten over the shame) I said, "it's a debit card." She tried it again and still no luck. She said, "Is it a Lone Star Card?" I told her yes. She said, "You have to tell me ahead of time, because it's a different button I have to push." I told her it my first time using it, and she said very sweetly, "I think most places, you'll have to tell them ahead." But I used it last night at HEB and told the cashier, but she didn't need to know. When I swiped it, a menu came up asking me to select "Lone Star Card."

Oh, two other things. When we were checking out of the study, and everyone was hugging and making plans to meet at Kerbey Lane for breakfast -- I couldn't wait to get away from these people, and they were making plans to meet for breakfast -- the Jesus Guy (the one I had the little confrontation with early on) asked if everyone would like a prayer, and a few people said yes and nobody said no. He turned to me and said, "Steven would you like a prayer?"

I said, "No, thank you." He said, "Oh, c'mon." I said, "Really, no. You go ahead and pray, I don't mind, I'm used to it." So everyone bowed their heads and he asked the Lord's blessing for everyone's safe journeys home. It struck me how sad it is that we're so bullied by a certain kind of Christianity in this place that I can't be open to a simple and heartfelt travelers blessing.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that M and I watched The Boys in the Band last night. I hadn't seen it in many years and, after reading The Celluloid Closet, I want to see some of these landmark films again. It's a wild movie, full of stuff to chew on, much more complex and nuanced than its reputation, I think. Maybe some day soon I'll write more of my thoughts about it. I expected to scoff, but found it really thought-provoking and moving at times. And surprisingly relevant to "gay culture" still. Tonight is The Killing of Sister George. Equal time for the ladies.

Day 14.

I have a cold. Church Lady started sniffling a few days after we got here and her bed is right next to mine, so I was pretty sure I’d catch whatever she had but hoped I wouldn’t. Today is a very light day as far as procedures, so I’ve spent my last morning here sleeping and getting up to blow my nose.

Speaking of Church Lady, yesterday the little cluster of people who sleep near me -- who have all become, if not friends, at least familiar enough to spend a lot of time together playing games and watching movies and sitting together at meals -- were discussing which movies they wanted to watch before our time is up, and Church Lady said, “and I’ve got a movie I’d like to show everyone tomorrow. It’s only about 30 minutes.” Chatty said, “I never heard of a movie that’s only 30 minutes. Is it a documentary or something?” Church Lady said, “Yes, it’s a documentary.”

It all comes together. From the beginning, I was suspicious of the little magazines she reads alongside her Bible. Once, she set one down and the cover was mostly masked by the Bible on top of it but the last few letters of the title were visible: “ower.” But I thought she had said she was Catholic, so I forgot about it. But she must have been feeling bold yesterday because right after the conversation about her “documentary,” she left one of the magazines sitting right there on the bed, face up. The Watchtower. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Everyone is in good spirits, jittery, making plans for their first meals on the outside. There’s a little sadness in the air, too. People really do make friends here, and I’m a little envious. I remember a couple times, when I was a teenager, going to an Episcopal youth group retreat for a week in the summer (I was a dabbler at that age), how quick and intense the friendships were and how sorrowful the goodbyes.

We get out tomorrow at about 8:30 a.m. M and I had plans for a reunion dinner tomorrow evening, and I was getting a group of friends together for a movie on Thursday night, but I chatted with M this morning and he’s sick too, has a fever and a sore throat, so I don’t know what either of us will be up for. I guess we’ll wait and see how we feel tomorrow. Abandon any hope of fruition.

Day 13.

Things that grate on my nerves when I hear people talking about them at any length: Jesus, sports, celebrities, their children (unless I know them -- an update is fine, but people go on). On the other hand, some people hate small talk about the weather, but I’ll talk about the weather all damn day.

Nearly every conversation here, after about 5 minutes, if it’s a group of men, turns to sports talk. If it’s women, they end up talking about their children or gossiping about their friends and families. If it’s a mixed group, they talk about the ways in which men and women are different. Now that could be an interesting conversation, but -- sorry, I know how condescending this is to say -- they are adding nothing new.

M asked me the other night if there were any other artists here. There must be, but I haven’t met them. It surprises me that that isn’t one of the types you find here, seeing as how artists can be just as broke as anyone. I wonder if it has to do with class and shame. I think a great number of the people doing these studies are what you’d call working poor, people who are more familiar with and inured to the stigma of things like free clinics and food stamps, and I wonder if maybe a drug study falls into that category. These things are under the radar of the middle class. (The exception to that seems to be college students. This company advertises heavily in student newspapers and a lot of students do these studies during breaks and summer.) Even though a lot of artists are impoverished, they travel in pretty middle class circles. Just a theory. There’s more to it than class, though. I suspect that if there was anything like this in New York, there would be long waiting lists of young artists clamoring for the easy cash.

Speaking of shame and lack thereof, Church Lady is tweezing her mustache in bed right next to me.

A group of my wardmates have been playing Scrabble to pass the time. I’ve been tempted to join them, since I’m pretty good at Scrabble, but I’ve resisted because, well, basically I don’t want to socialize with them any more than I have to. It’s like mealtimes, almost every meal there’s a conversation that makes me very uncomfortable because everyone agrees on something that I find abhorrent. Like the virtue of beating your children. Or supporting the “troops.” Or whatever.

I did voice an opinion a couple nights ago at dinner when Bible Guy was going on and on about how much better things were 50 years ago (his favorite topic, after the Bible). I interjected with the standard liberal critique of that view, something along the lines of, “Things were better for some people, but maintaining their better life depended on things being pretty shitty for a whole lot of other people, like blacks and other minorities, homosexuals, a lot of women, the disabled, etc, etc. He conceded the point, and as I drew him out I saw that we agreed on some things. Like the fact that our economic system brings out the worst tendencies in us. And that one thing that may have been better about America 50 years ago was that people were more community- and family-minded, which I think is a virtue, if we could only expand what we mean by community and family.

I think my brain is only half functioning. I’m so lethargic. It’s difficult to work up much enthusiasm for writing down what happens here. Sorry for that. It’s all become a sleepy blur. I’ve never spent so much time in bed, ever. There are other places to be, other things to do, but none of them appeal. There are a couple rooms with big-screen TVs where people watch movies, but with all the procedures it’s hard to time it so you see the whole thing and I’m kind of neurotic about missing the beginning of movies. They watched Avatar the other night. There’s also a pool room where guys play pool and watch basketball. Um, no. Until a couple days ago, I was fairly content here in my hospital bed, reading and writing, blogging and emailing. But I turned a corner and now I’m just sick of it and want out. I need to have a talk with myself -- I still have 2 more days!

Day 11.

Why is it, when there are 3 people putting the ECG stickers on people, one of whom is, say, a plump matron who could be someone’s beloved grandmother, one a loud woman with really long fingernails, and one a handsome young man with nice arms and a wicked smile, I never get the handsome young man? Is it wrong to want the cute boy to put the stickers on my chest once or twice?

One of the techs last night was saying that they have an easy job. He feels like he gets paid to socialize. It is kind of impressive how they're usually cheerful and relaxed and seem to enjoy each other’s company. But they don’t just socialize; they have to be skilled. They move from task to task, doing blood draws, glucometer readings, ECGs, urine collection, vital signs, and all the various auxiliary tasks involved in those procedures. And because everything is timed so precisely, they have to stay very focused and alert. They don’t ever seem really rushed, but they have to keep a steady, brisk pace. It’s not brain surgery, but it takes some skills.

The skill we as subjects notice most, of course, is the ability to do things like the blood draws and finger sticks painlessly -- well, the finger sticks always hurt, but sometimes they hurt more. I’ve noticed that the techs who are socializing the most, laughing and joking with their co-workers or embroiled in an intense conversation about someone’s obnoxious roommate or new boyfriend while they’re sticking a piece of sharp metal into your body, are the ones who make it hurt.

Spaghetti again last night -- third time. It’s not so bad. The pasta is overcooked, but the sauce isn’t terrible. To be honest, though, it’s all crap and I’m beyond caring which crap it is. They woke us in the middle of the night last night for a procedure and then again before 6 to start the whole song and dance again. I feel like Karen Quinlan today. Somebody pull the plug.

Day 10.

A rare steak, a real Caesar salad, and a beer. That’s what I want when I get out. People have asked, and that’s the answer.

And things I can’t wait to do: trim my toenails and fingernails, and shave.

A new study started last night. Gray t-shirts. All men, about 15 of them; half of them look like college kids with their Justin Bieber haircuts and basketball skorts. Ever since they arrived, there’s been urine splashed all over the walls and floors around the urinals. What is it with men who pee all over the place? Do they have no control, or do they just not care?

I’ve done quite a bit of reading since I’ve been here, but not as much writing as I’d hoped. I’ve made a lot of notes and I’ve done a lot of mental work on the high school diary project, but I had planned to dive into the text and edit a draft. This afternoon, the cute 25-year-old boy 3 beds down, who is into bodybuilding and art, asked me what I was working on. (I don’t mix much. I spend any free time we have with my books and computer, not running around with a group watching movies or playing games or chatting chatting chatting, and I guess it’s obvious because people keep asking, “what you are doing?” “Trying to ignore you, why do you ask?”) I was looking at Facebook when he asked, but I said, “I’m working on a couple projects.” He said, “What projects.” (It’s not like anyone is in a hurry; I suppose if you want to draw somebody out, you’ve got plenty of time.) I said I was working on a script for a short film. He was impressed and intrigued. He said that his brother had wanted to go to film school but their parents had forbid it and made him go to Texas A&M instead. That broke my heart. We had a nice short conversation and he wished me “good luck with that.”

So, of course, I spent the rest of the afternoon working on the script like crazy because I don’t want this kid to catch me on Facebook when he thinks I’m a big fancy screenwriter. A little attention from a cute young man is what it takes to get me motivated. Pathetic.

Today is wild. Starting with urine collection at 6 and ending with a blood draw after 2 a.m., we’re doing ECGs, glucometer readings, blood draws, and vitals signs all day long. I don’t mind so much that it’s hectic; it makes the day go faster. I don’t like wearing the ECG pads all day. They chafe and make me itch like crazy, and when I pull them off at night they pull a layer of skin with them.

We hate the new gray shirts, coming in here for their little sissy-ass 5-day study, pissing all over the bathroom floor. We hate them.

Day 9.

To follow up the nasty breakfast, for lunch we had the worst hamburger in the world. I assume it was meat -- but it was so overcooked, desiccated, and cold that it was impossible to tell. Undercooked, soggy tater tots on the side, and a small bowl of baked beans. Everyone -- the people who’ve done these studies before, which seems to be about 75% of us -- looks forward to “burger day.” I must be such a snob because it seems psychotic to me to think that something so foul tastes good.

Maybe it’s not about taste, maybe the excitement is about familiarity. Most people eat a lot of fast food; they probably just miss hamburgers. I keep thinking that this food must be pretty close to what “regular Americans” eat every day, so to them it’s not unusually bad. Most of the food-related conversation here is along the lines of, “I don’t like pork chops,” or “I love lasagna,” as if that hockey puck is a pork chop or that mound of pink glue is lasagna.

I guess because the food is so starchy and sweet I feel gassy and bloated all the time. My wardmates were talking tonight about how they’ve lost weight here, which surprised me because I feel like I’m gaining weight. But the food only seems fatty. There’s lots of globby, gross stuff, but it’s all fake and fat-free. I probably have more fat in my regular diet, from the real dairy products I eat. But at home I get fresh vegetables and whole grains, which somehow make my diet feel lighter. Anyway, because everyone was talking about it and weighing themselves, I stepped on the scale and found that I weigh 192! Jesus. My body has completely changed since my accident a year ago because I stopped exercising. I’ve lost all the muscle mass I gained when I started lifting weights, and now I see that I’ve put on 15 pounds.

A conversation last night about sagging pants. Snort says he battles with his teenage sons about it.

He said, “The last time I wore saggy pants, my father hit me so hard I hit the floor and busted my lip.”

Chatty: Mm-hm, I’m glad he did.

Snort: And he said, ‘See, that’s why you shouldn’t be wearing them jeans, ‘cause you can’t keep your balance.’

(General laughter at the table.)

Chatty: That is so cute. (Shakes her head.) Mm-mm-mm.

I think, I am so far out of my element, y’know, class-wise, culture-wise. But, then again, my parents beat me, too. But I didn’t think, and didn’t grow up to believe, that it was right, or effective, or funny.

The drug trial protocols usually (always?) require periods of 5 or 10 minutes of lying perfectly still on your back before procedures such as ECGs or vital signs, which I imagine is to reduce the effects of activity on your body function. This is happening constantly, probably more than anything else around here, and it’s crucial that these periods of lying supine start on time because everything that happens after them depends on it, and any glitch can cause a train wreck in the schedule So the word “supine” is thrown around constantly. It’s a noun: (Your supine starts at 14:17), both an intransitive verb: (Tech to a subject: You need to supine now) and a transitive verb: (Tech to another tech: Will you supine her?), and even sometimes as an old-fashioned adjective: (You're supposed to be supine), each use perfectly clear and efficient. The English language is amazing.

I applied for 3 jobs last night, all part-time clerical jobs in the Austin Public Libraries. I read an article in the Times the other day that said that the job market for teachers is worse than it has been since the Depression, so I’m not holding much hope for that scheme any more.

Day 8.

By the way, the identical meals story was just an ugly rumor. We had biscuits and gravy for breakfast yesterday, taco salad for lunch, and lasagnlue for dinner.

Shortly after breakfast yesterday, not long after our confrontation, I caught Jesus Snort (I feel bad using jokey nicknames now that I’m getting to know these people a bit more) as he was walking by my bed and said, “Hey, I’m sorry I reacted sarcastically earlier, but can I tell you why I was offended?” And he sat down and I tried to explain how my ears had pricked up when I heard the gay prison joke in the same way that his ears might prick up if he’d heard me making a joke about black people and watermelon, that the joke reinforces the stereotype of gay man as sexual predator, etc. He said he understood, and then he shared a very poignant story about his childhood and some gay people in his life. He said, “I don’t have any problems with gay people. I don’t judge anyone in that lifestyle. My faith tells me not to.”

I almost started the conversation about how referring to an essential, immutable aspect of a person’s being as a “lifestyle” is insulting or at least ignorant. But I let it go for the time being. We had had our moment, and I wanted to leave it at that. For the time being.

The guy is a pretty interesting character. He had a religious conversation experience in prison (heard the voice of god, read the Bible cover to cover, the whole 9 yards) and when he got out devoted his life to taking care of homeless people, drug-addicts, and other cast-offs. He owns and operates some kind of boarding house for these people now.

(As an aside, I want to say that I’m hesitant to criticize the type of conversion story he tells, because it’s essentially the same story that I tell about how I discovered Buddhism and began meditating. The thing that I happened to discover was very very different, but the basic narrative is the same: I was at a low point, nothing I was doing made sense, all my tactics, all my tricks, all the things I’d learned to do to avoid pain, none of it worked any more, and in fact only brought me more pain, I felt sad and desperate. By some kind of serendipity, two books, one by Thich Nhat Hahn and one by Pema Chodron, landed in my lap, and their words -- because the circumstances of my life and my emotional state aligned to allow me to understand them with complete clarity -- changed my mind and heart forever. I didn’t hear any voices, but it was still pretty dramatic. I call it a conversion experience, absolutely. I’m different now. I live my life differently, and I believe I am essentially different from who I was before that experience. So.)

This morning we had the most disgusting breakfast. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get any worse. Powdered eggs with orange "cheese" melted over them. An English muffin that may have been toasted, but not enough to change its color and soggy from condensation because the plate sits under a plastic cover until they serve it. Skim milk. Why powdered eggs? Why even do that? The hard-boiled egg was, well, hard, but at least it was real. Why not serve that again? And why serve toast that’s going to sit covered and get wet? If you have that limitation, why not serve something with the same nutrition but that will hold up, or do better, by being covered? Grits, maybe, or oatmeal. But if they did grits or oatmeal, it would probably be some kind of instant nastiness.

There was a little less Bible talk yesterday. But, rest assured Bible Guy is a real Renaissance man. He can speak with confidence on the history of snack foods, he knows how to tell real homeless people from hustlers, and he’s an expert on the care and feeding of house cats. And he’s glad to share his knowledge. At length.

Have you ever heard of a card game called Spoons? They’re playing it in the next room. I think it involves cards and spoons, and, apparently, screaming. Unless somebody is getting murdered or tickled really hard.

We are halfway through the study now. I have red itchy circles, or more like rings, on my torso from the ECG pads, and my fingertips are sore, but otherwise I’m surviving.

Day 7.

I forgot the best story of the day in yesterday’s post. After I brushed my teeth the night before last, as I was rinsing off my toothbrush, I dropped it in the sink. I was a little grossed out because it’s a public sink, but I thought, It’s just water and my own toothpaste spit, it’s no big deal. So I picked up the toothbrush, and on the end of it, tangled up in the bristles, there was a big clump of hair! Aaaaaa!!! I pulled the hair off (which was not as easy as one might hope) washed the toothbrush thoroughly with soap and rinsed it forEVER but I still can’t stop thinking about it. I retched a little when I put it in my mouth the next morning.

There were rumors all day yesterday which were confirmed after dinner -- and believe you me the red t-shirts were aghast and then disconsolate as the news spread throughout the floor -- that, because we are dosing every day for the next 6 days, we are also having the same meals every day for the next 6 days. I’m not sure what the fuss is about, but there’s not much to do here except fuss. Lunch was okay (tuna salad on a croissant, chicken noodle soup, potato chips) and dinner was fine (King Ranch Casserole -- it’s one of those things that only exist in Texas, like "Texas Caviar" (it's bean salad made with black-eyed peas) and “queso” (pronounced “kay-so,” it’s some kind of cheese dip), and which Texans simply can’t get their heads around the idea that someone might not know what it is -- and a piece of sheet cake that was tasty, moist with an orange-flavored icing). Even breakfast could have been worse (hard boiled egg, Cheerios, and a bagel -- okay, the bagel was nasty and came with fat-free cream cheese; it was like eating a sneaker -- but everything else was perfectly edible). It could have been worse. Much worse.

This morning at breakfast, I came in on the middle of a conversation about prison conditions, the kind of topic I try to stay the hell away from in this place. The consensus at the table was that American prisoners are coddled because we're too concerned about their (big air quotes) "human rights." No issue is very complicated with these people. My neighbor, the one who snorts in the morning and talks about Jesus all day long (he's 32 I think he said, has 4 children, two of them 15 year old boys), talked about how he knew guys who deliberately tried to get prison sentences. He said, "You must be gay if you want to go to prison, just so you can look at naked men all day." He went on to share an anecdote from his time in prison, I can't remember the details but some woman who was on the staff at the prison was treating him badly in some way when he'd done nothing to provoke it. I took a deep breath and said, "Maybe she was angry because you were making snide remarks about gay people." My voice was quavering, and he said, "What?" I repeated, "Maybe she was angry because you were making snide remarks about gay people." He said, "I wasn't making snide remarks, I just said you'd have to be gay if you want to look at naked men all day."

Someone else at the table picked up the conversation without missing a beat, totally ignoring our exchange, and I went back to my silent breakfast. A moment later, when the person who was sitting between us had gotten up and left, Jesus Snort turned to me and said, "If I offended you in any way, I'm terribly sorry." I heard him, but I said, "What?" I think probably just to hear him say it again. I nodded.

I wanted to have a conversation about why his remark was offensive, but I didn't trust myself not to choke up or start crying or something. I hate that. All the performing and public speaking I've done, with fairly minimal nervousness, I still can't confront someone who disagrees with me without feeling almost paralyzing anxiety. I'll try to catch him later when I've rehearsed a few sentences to get started -- because I want to explain and because I want to apologize for being sarcastic.

God dammit. This is exactly the kind of thing I try so hard to avoid here.

Day 6.

The bathroom is the Urine Collection Station. Just outside the door into the john, there’s a counter and behind it sits a technician wearing a gown and latex gloves. Some studies involve urine collection, but not all of them. Our study required it the first few days, but we just had to pee in a cup once, first thing in the morning. Some studies involve collecting all your urine in a plastic container, so every time you pee, you have to stop at the counter, hold out your wrist to have your bar code scanned and then wait for the tech to grab your "urinal" (it's just a plastic container) from the shelf where they are all lined up and hand it to you.

So the tech has to watch everyone as they pass, and stop the subjects whose t-shirt color signifies they are in the study that requires urine collection. If they are wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t require it, then the tech has to buzz the bathroom door open.

Here’s where the comedy comes in. This urine vestibule is dimly lit with yellow light (I know! it’s like pee world back there) so the red t-shirts, the orange t-shirts, and the fuchsia t-shirts are indistinguishable. I think it’s the orange study right now that is collecting urine, and it’s a small study so the urine tech should have it pretty easy, but the red study is huge, maybe 30 subjects, and there’s the fuchsia study too, so the tech is going crazy back there, stopping everyone, staring at t-shirts to try to discern colors, trying to remember who is who, and everybody getting all indignant. From what I infer by listening to shop talk around here, urine duty is bottom of the totem pole, so to add this additional humiliation is a cruel joke.

Today we started with the glucometer readings, which require being stuck in the fingertip with a needle. It hurts. And they're going to do it 5 times a day for the next 10 days. I'd much rather they take it intravenously.

I can't decide whether to call my talkative neighbor Chatty or Exclamatia -- she repeats almost everything she says as a sort of outraged exclamation, as if to say Do you believe it?? ("I like my toast burnt. Black! Like this table! I'm talkin' 'bout burn that toast!!") in a Louisiana accent.

She and the guy in the bed between us were talking this morning and I eavesdropped on bits of the conversation. (I say eavesdropped, but they're 5 feet away from me. You have to put in earplugs if you don't want to hear people's conversations. And I do.) The guy was telling Chatty that a lesbian couple, neighbors or friends of his, had asked him to be their sperm donor -- they were planning on having a baby. He said that he thought about it but declined because he didn't want to be entangled in their lives and the life of a child that he wasn't going to raise. He and Chatty went on to debate whether or not it was a good idea for same-sex couples to raise children. They were both concerned about the stigma the child would have to deal with. They concluded the conversation agreeing that they didn't know exactly how to feel about homosexuals but that "nobody's perfect, and who am I to judge?"

That's the thing about the closet. When you get out of the liberal/artsy/lefty ghetto, you overhear people debating, right in front of you, whether or not you have a right to exist. It's amazing to me, has been since I was 14 years old, how people like this assume there is no one homosexual in the room, when they're in a room full of people. The only shift I see in this conversation is that 30 years ago the attitude was almost always more scornful. Now, something along the lines of "Everybody's got a right to their opinion" is more typical. Everybody's got a right to their opinion regarding whether or not I have a right to exist. Sweet.

Speaking of which, I miss my boyfriend like a motherfucker.

Day 5.

I look forward to meals here, everyone does, because, even though the food is usually foul, meals mark the passing of the day. Breakfast this morning was cereal and a muffin again, but we got 2% milk, which was nice. Skim milk is nasty shit. I don’t understand the point of it.

Not much on the schedule today. We got to sleep in until almost 7. They took our blood pressure this morning and drew blood after breakfast, but no ECG or urine collection, and there’s nothing else today but meals. Tomorrow we start what looks like a real marathon until the end.

The Bible study debate went on until after midnight last night. These two are hard core. The debate last night was about whether or not the Bible is actually the word of “God.” Bible Guy took a more scholarly view than Church Lady. I can’t get a fix on his beliefs, but he was telling Church Lady that some parts of the Bible were perhaps more spiritually inspired than others, and Church Lady was not having it. She kept giggling and saying, “You don’t really believe that? No, you don’t! You’re crazy.” Giggle, giggle.

I assumed that he was the more reasonable and sane of the two, but then he started talking about how there were already people on the earth when God created Adam and Eve, which accounts for the fossil evidence. So, there are people living now who are from Adam and Eve’s lineage and people who are not. Step away quietly.

This place is totally sci-fi. Rows of identical beds, everything sterile and white. The staff wear scrubs and lab coats. There are always several studies going on simultaneously, so we wear color-coded t-shirts. I'm in the red t-shirt study. Subjects also wear wristbands with bar codes that identify us, and we carry clipboards everywhere we go which detail our scheduled procedures. There are big red digital clocks on military time, and everything is timed to the second, every ECG, every meal, every blood draw. The technicians go down the rows of beds with carts and machines, sticking pads on our chests and legs, hooking us up to machines, sticking needles in our arms, each subject 3 minutes after the last one. It’s a hive of activity and high-tech beeping monitors that moves up and down the row of beds several times a day. And they rush the little vials of our blood away in frozen containers and write numbers on our clipboards.

There are features of the architecture that resemble a hospital, but it never feels like a hospital at all. There are doctors here somewhere, but not the kind of doctors who take care of people. It’s a lab and we are lab rats.

The first few days here, I was pretty miserable. I got a severe headache from caffeine withdrawal, which I expected because it always happens, but I expected it on the first day. When it didn’t happen then, I was very relieved. It just waited a day. Then when the headache was receding, I started feeling intense deep pain in my lower back and hips. I couldn’t find a way to sit or lie down that didn’t hurt, and the second night was awful. I hardly slept. I’m almost certain it was from the bed and spending so much time in it.

I feel much better now, and I spend most of my free time in bed reading. I finished The Celluloid Closet and I’m trying to plow through Kristin Thompson and David Bordwell’s Film History textbook. It’s the perfect kind of book for this place. I’ve done a little work on my high school diary project, taken a few notes. The piece is taking some kind of general shape in my head.

Day 4.

The woman in the bed next to me reads a pocket-size Bible along with a magazine which she makes notes in the margins of. The man on her other side peppers his sentences with "Jesus" and "the Lord," etc., even when he's just talking about mowing the lawn. He also sniffs, or I should say snorts because it's that sound people make when they're imitating a pig, in the morning. I want to say, "Jesus Christ, blow your nose!" but 1) we're here together for another 12 days so I don't want an enemy, and 2) I just don't usually yell at people until I'm ready to kill them, and it's not really that bad.

I spend so much of my life avoiding proximity with Christians that it's always a strange surprise to witness what a constant, almost physical presence this thing called Jesus is in the lives of so many people. If I can put aside my revulsion for a moment, it's exotic and fascinating. It's like in an anthropology class when you might read about some hunter-gatherer tribe that leaves babies in the forest to die or something and it's horrifying but really interesting to consider that that behavior is totally normal to them.

There's still another guy, across from us, who is preoccupied with all things Bible. He moseys over every once in a while and engages the Jesus snorty guy in conversation. This guy seems to have an encyclopedic knowledge of the Bible, old and new testament. I can't judge his accuracy. He's one of those people who have a pet theory about everything. Did you know that Jesus did not say one thing about "hope"? Didn't so much as mention it. He (Jesus) also apparently never recommended that people pray in public together. Yesterday in the dining room, there was something on local news about a child who allegedly had been beaten to death by its mother's boyfriend. Bible Guy's take on the story was that women who take up with violent men shouldn't be surprised when their children get murdered. Bible Guy wears Bud-Lite flannel pajama bottoms, and for some reason that softens my heart toward him.

Today is a slow day. We started at 6 with urine collection and then an ECG and vital signs. Then a blood draw and breakfast, which was a bowl of raisin bran and a bran muffin (with raisins! it was a theme I guess), orange juice, and skim milk. They took our blood again after breakfast, and now for the rest of the day there's nothing on the schedule but meals.

(Lunch, if you're curious, was a small sub sandwich with turkey (I think it was turkey), some kind of white gluey cheese, tomato and shredded lettuce. On the side were packets of mayo, mustard, and pickle relish, and a small bag of Cheezits, a 4-oz. carton of some kind of juice drink, and an oatmeal cookie.)

Today is Day 4. Day 2 was like this, but Days 1 and 3 were dose days (days when we take the drug being studied) and those were very hectic with procedures all day. Lots of ECGs and blood draws. Starting with Day 6, we dose every day, and there are several glucometer readings throughout the day. (It's a drug for diabetes that we're testing.) I think the glucometer involves getting our fingertips stabbed. Looking at the number of times this is going to happen, I fear my fingertip will be a bloody pulp by the time I get out of here.

I Don't Get It.

I've only seen a few episodes of Family Guy, but it has always made me laugh really hard so I guess I'd say I'm a fan. There's been a bit of a stink in the gay blogs today about the recent episode where Quagmire's father turns out to be a transsexual woman. Apparently on The Cleveland Show (Seth McFarlane's other show) there was a similar episode recently which also caused a stink, so the community is not inclined to be forgiving this time. But McFarlane claims not to be "transphobic".

I'm inclined to give an artist a lot of leeway in these things, and it seems to me that the folks who get all bent out of shape in these cases are too easily offended, or just maybe irony-deficient. Often the problem is that people will have a hard time distinguishing between a story in which the audience is asked to sympathize with the haters and a story in which the audience is asked to laugh at them.

As McFarlane has pointed out, in this episode of Family Guy, the transwoman is definitely portrayed sympathetically. She's really the only sane, stable character in the story. The humor is in everyone around her freaking out. So far, no problem.

But when we get to the part where the dog finds out he's had sex with her and he vomits for like a minute solid, I'm lost. And then Quagmire finds out that the dog has had sex with her, and he beats the shit out of the dog. Both of these scenes are interminable, and I have to admit, to me, perplexing. Though I'm inclined to be sympathetic to McFarlane, I don't know where to begin deciphering what his point of view is in these last two scenes, because I don't understand why they're funny.

I wondered at first if the reason it didn't make me laugh is because I'm the butt of the joke, so instead of being tickled I'm offended. (There are many in the GLBT community who say that homosexual and transsexual are two different things. I'm not one of those people. But even if you believe they are, the scene where Quagmire tries to explain that his father is not gay but "a woman trapped in a man's body," and Peter and Lois say, "Yeah, gay," encapsulates most straight people's view that there's gay and then there's trans, which is just more gay.)

But I can't even say I'm offended -- I just really don't know what's going on. I'm not clear enough on what McFarlane is saying to know whether or not I should be offended.

Are regular folks so completely repulsed by the idea of having sex with a transwoman that they would identify with someone vomiting forever over it? And the beating the dog gets, I don't even have a guess on that one. Somebody help me out here.

We Will Not Have Questions Answered by Irrelevant Agencies.

I'm never quite sure what to do on Mother's Day. In my family, when I was growing up, we always called it a Hallmark Holiday, made fun of it. But as I get older, I find it hard to resist feeling sentimental when my friends around me are calling their mothers. I say, "I call my mother all year long, and we email frequently, why is it so important to call today?" Then again, why is it so important to not?

I've also discovered that at some point my brother and his long-time girlfriend and my sister and her husband started sending Mother's Day cards and gifts every year. Maybe it was just me who was so anti-Mother's Day? I've gotten to the point now where I don't believe any of the stories I've been telling myself all my life.

The last couple years I've sent short emails to say hi. Not necessarily "Happy Mother's Day!", but at least "hi."

It was my mother's home-grown, instinctive neighborhood activism in the late 60s and early 70s that planted the seeds of my lifelong rebellion. So, this year I recognize the roots of Mother's Day in feminism and pacifism, before it was swallowed whole by the floral industry, the restaurant industry, the greeting card industry.

It didn't start out being about spa treatments and breakfast in bed. It started with Julia Ward Howe's disgust with the Civil War. Happy Mother's Day!


Mother's Day Proclamation, 1870
Julia Ward Howe

Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

South Pacific.

I watched South Pacific last night for the first time in decades. (I don't have the heart to post a youtube clip here -- the film itself is so ravishing.)

M and I watched it together. I don't know if it's the age difference or a more general cultural difference in our backgrounds, but M isn't at all familiar with these golden age musicals that are so deeply embedded in my sensibility. (I was going to write "soul" but decided that was a little over the top. But only a little.) I have to admit I found that fact a little scandalous; it totally pushed my these-kids-coming-up-today-don't-know-anything-about-gay-culture!" button.

Anyway, I think he had fun and found it pretty interesting, even if he didn't thrill to the music as much as I do. (He especially liked Stewpot. How gay is Stewpot?) Besides the fact that this show is the apogee of the artform, it's a fascinating look at American preoccupations of the late 50s: race, class, foreign wars, American disillusionment, fear of Communism, anxiety about the end of a familiar way of life. It pretty jam-packed.

South Pacific was the first big musical production I performed in, at about age 15 I think. It figures heavily in my high school diary, which is why it's been on my mind. It was a production of the Putnam County Playhouse, the summer community theater in the town my family moved to when I was in eighth grade. I was in the chorus, so I was basically a sailor. I danced and sang my heart out and catcalled at the nurses. I was in gay boy heaven.